Forty First Cousins

Yup, it' confirmed. I have 40 first cousins. During a particularly bad traffic jam on a rainy day in Jakarta, my mom and I decided to entertain ourselves by calculating the exact number of first cousins I have. I've heard all sorts of estimates, ranging from 35 to close to 50. We're not including second or third cousins here. We listed out all the children that my aunts and uncles have from both sides of my family (my mom has 10 siblings, my dad has 11). We came up with 40. An even 20 from each side. 

Cousin Dina (grey shirt) and cousin Vina (orange shirt)

Since I was born and raised in Jakarta, I grew up playing and hanging out with Jakarta-based cousins who are mostly from my mom's side. I didn't meet the Bornean cousins from my dad's side until I was around 12 or 13, when we went back to Singkawang to attend my grandfather's funeral. Yet, I remembered feeling a natural sense of closeness and connection with them. We shared the common experience of growing up in our large, tight-knit family. 

In fact, we grew so comfortable with each other that we decided it'd be fun to play tag during our grandfather's wake with the theme 'grandfather has risen from the dead and now is out to eat us, his human grandchildren'. Being the tallest among us, cousin Vina was chosen to play the role of zombie grandpa. She did an awesome job scaring and chasing us around the room upstairs until the noise started disturbing the adults downstairs. This prompted cousin Henry to come up and check out what the ruckus was all about, only to find out the utterly distasteful way we were utilizing our grandfather's death as a form of child entertainment. 

Two of my favorite peeps sharing a laughing moment together

Having that many members in our family allows for a cast of characters worthy of a Hong Kong family drama series. From my dad's side, among others, there's cousin Vina, former zombie grandpa, now a 'tiger mom', hardworking mother of 3, cousin Dina, Vina's sister, the tomboy with a heart of gold, cousin Lisa, whose feminine ways puts us girls to shame, cousin Reina, whose infectious smile and wicked sense of humor always manages to brighten our moods, and cousin Henry, who at one point I wanted to marry because I thought he was the coolest, handsomest, and smartest person in the whole wide world:) 

From my mom's side there are cousins Stanley and Stella, a multi-talented pair of siblings, our very own home-bread bohemian artists, who recently whipped us the best Japanese dinner we've ever had. Then there's cousin Think-think, the shrewd and daring aspiring businesswoman, her sister cousin Vivi, my fellow bookworm and nerd, and Cousin Kevin, who along with my brother Nelson and uncle Hua form a string of sentimental men in the family who are in love with love. Of course neither of them are merely the cardboard characters I make them out to be for the purpose of this blog entry. Nor are my beloved cousins limited to the few persons I've mentioned here. 

Cousin Stanley hard at work

One thing I learned growing up with such a diverse and colorful set of personalities is the ability to get along and be comfortable with different types of people. There was no other way to socially survive in that kind of crazy and active environment. Even the shyest among us formed some sort of social skills since we had to learn to get along with one another at an early age. 

We're all busy leading our adult lives now. We're spread across different countries and continents. Reunions are mostly saved for big events such as weddings and Chinese New Year. With my traveling this time around, I got to see most of those with whom I'm close. By  chance, my LA cousins are also here in SE Asia for a visit. It was nice to have everyone gathered in the same space. They had to close off a part of the restaurant to accommodate our party consisting of 30 adults and children (who are the next generation of cousins:))

Indonesia is no longer my home. It's where my family lives, and where some of the essence of my being is rooted, but I don't belong here anymore. However, if I am lucky enough to have a child of my own, I'd definitely make frequent visits back to Jakarta, Singapore, L.A., wherever my family is, so he/she could experience bonding with their cousins the way I have.

The next generation of cousins

Meet The Parents

When I first went to India back in 2004, my plane was delayed for more than 5 hours. Navin and his father had to wait for me till 3 in the morning  before I emerged out of the Bombay airport. The first thing I did was to apologize to Uncle Suresh because I felt so bad that they had been waiting for me for so long.  Instead of being cross, or making some sort of disgruntled face, he gave me a huge embrace, kissed my forehead and said “bless you, my child!” I was stunned. That had to be the warmest greeting I’ve ever had from anyone. I was just Navin’s friend, an outsider really...not a member of the family in any sense of the word.    

with Sreela's Mom

If we reverse the situation and have say….my dad doing that to Navin,giving him a hug and blesses him with a kiss on his forehead, pigs will fly in the sky, and Matt Damon would leave his fitness guru wife for yours truly:)
          
I observed that in Indian relational culture there exists a close relationship between parents, children, and friends of these children. It's considered as perfectly normal for friends of children to visit parents even when the kids are not around. Friends casually drop by to say hi to friends' parents, and parents often invite these friends over for a meal, again minus the children. Foreign friends are treated to the best meals and hospitality imaginable.    

Calcutta is an amazing city laden with rich colonial history. The Victoria monument in its grandeur is a stark reminder of the sheer greed that the colonists displayed without consideration for the local people's well-being. It was also built on opium money, leading to Edward Said's comment about how the monument should be named The 'Opium' monument instead.           

The Victoria Monument

More than the sight-seeing and wonderful shopping  trips that Sreela and I made, it’s the moments when I found myself sitting on Mrs. Sarkar’s bed  sharing some tea and Mari biscuits, while sharing stories about life, love and the universe (as Liene would say:))  that blew my mind away. Meeting Fugu's parents was quite a treat as well! For the whole evening, Fugu's dad kept on trying to make Sreela nominate his prawn curry as the best dish served during dinner, outdoing that of his wife's culinary accomplishments:)           

I think about my parents and how they relate to my  close and/or childhood friends. It's a much more formal relationship they have with them. They’d be interested in hearing how my friends are doing, but they’ll never visit them or have them over for dinner when I’m not around.  They view my friends as belonging to this distinct, non-familial private world that I have as an individual.  My mom would say it’s a Chinese thing, when you xiang nei (face inward) rather than xiang wai (focus outward), where your family forms the innermost important group of people in your life, while others belong outside that tight knit circle. This philosophy is manifested in the architecture of ancient Chinese houses, where tall , fort-like walls surround the whole house to prevent outsiders from seeing within, while simultaneously confining household secrets within those walls…no airing dirty laundry here!     

Ancient Chinese House with Tall Walls

For me, the Indian boundary between close friends of one's children and the above mentioned inner circle is blurred....when one is a good friend of one's child, then one is almost automatically considered as that person's child as well. And of course there’s the great fun of hearing your friends’ parents reveal embarrassing things about you, or embarrass you with their honest to goodness requests…like how Sudhir’s mom wondered out loud when Sudhir and Radhika are going to give her a granddaughter, and how that would complete her already happy life.    

I arrived in Singapore early this morning. I’ll be here for a few days accompanying my parents for their medical check-up, as well as visiting some cousins who settled in this city-state. In less than 2 weeks, it’ll be my turn to play host as Navin, Anya, Klara and Christina head to Indonesia for a 10 day visit to Jakarta, Jogjakarta and Bali.

Fugu's parents, grandmother with Sreela

Paradise Biryani

Saying goodbye to the Nairs marked a low point in my trip so far.

The thought of not seeing them back in Amherst the way I would Jeff and Sreela saddened me quite a bit. After all, apart from crazy Ms. Catherine Stryker, Radhika was the first friend I made in the Valley. We all met in a step aerobics class that we took at a local gym. Befriending Catherine and Radhika was literally the saving grace of my social life.

Sudhir and Radhika

The Nairs also represented family and a loving home away from home for me. Whenever I'm with them, I feel loved and cared for. That's probably because both Sudhir and Radhika have hearts the size of the universe....always welcoming, always warm and open...with a passion for life and of course, good food:)


We visited a couple of historical sites during our last few days in Hyderabad. Chowmahalla Palace is located at the heart of old town Hyderabad. Through Sudhir's connections, we scored a private tour around this gorgeous location.  They even turned on some of the lovely chandeliers in the queen's chambers for us just so we could quickly take some snapshots of her lavish entertaining quarters.

Chandelier in the Queen's quarter in Chowmahalla Palace

The next day we visited an ancient fort located in the outskirts of Hyderabad called Golkonda. The fortress citadel was built for defense from the invading Mughals from the north. One of the most fascinating things about this fort is how it was designed with a perfect acousticsystem, by which a hand clap sounded at the fort's main gates, the grand portico, was heard at the top of the citadel, situated on a 300-foot-high granite hill. Our persistent guide (we didn't want to have a guide at first, but the guy persisted, so we ended up hiring him for what turned out to be a pretty good tour actually) made sure that we got to clap our hands, shout out our names, and hear the echoes in different corners of the fortress.

Golkonda

Of course, when it comes to spending time with the Nairs,  a delicious meal is always in the schedule. For our last evening in Hyderabad, they brought us to a restaurant called 'Paradise', which supposedly served the best biryani rice in town. One of the most memorable moments of the trip consisted of Sudhir threatening his son Rahul, who was misbehaving in the car on our way back from Golkonda, that he won't allow Rahul to come along with us to have his favorite dish if he didn't stop teasing his younger brother Arjun. The threat worked wonders. Realizing that he might be deprived of this delicious dish, he immediately stopped whatever nuisance he was engaged in with his brother. Jeff and I were intrigued. This has to be some seriously good biryani if even the mentioning of it managed to stop a teenage boy from teasing his younger brother.

L to R clockwise: Sudhir, Jeff, me, Radhu

I brought some leftover biryani for my plane ride to Calcutta. I shamelessly savored my delicious meal as the other passengers were toying around with their bland airplane food.

I'm heading out for some souvenir shopping with Sreela and her mom in a few minutes. We're right in the middle of monsoon season right now. The rain and the tropical terrain reminds me of home.

Hyderabad Dreams

In Hyderabad, my stomach caught on fire and Jeff grew ten heads. 

Jeff as Ravana, the evil 10-headed monster from Ramayana

The minute I had saag paneer (spinach with cottage cheese) during my first dinner in India with Sudhir and Jeff, I immediately felt a blaze running through my esophagus down to my stomach. It’s been like that ever since then. Even our morning omelet is done masala style. I'm pretty sure both Jeff’s and my stomachs are wondering why we're doing this to them.

Jeff’s head multiplied because he had to dress as the 10-headed monster Ravana from Ramayana for this treasure hunt he participated in. He was part of a group that had used the ancient Hindu myth as their main costume theme. The treasure hunt marked the beginning of a series of social activities that we participated in this past weekend. Sudhir and Radhika are involved in this organization which does charity work for Hyderabad and its surroundings areas. They were having their annual gathering this past weekend. Sudhir arranged for us to go along for the ride. 

  

There was a formal event in the evening, and the women had agreed to wear their sarees for the occasion. Nalani, one of the coordinators, decided to lend me a sari that I could wear so I could comply with the dress code. Wearing a saree is surprisingly comfortable! As long as I can pee wearing it, I have no complaints!

The formal event was followed by a crazy 4 hour dance party that lasted from 12midnight-4AM.  I skipped that part because I didn't feel I was up for it. I wanted to slip into my pajamas and chillax in front of the TV. Sudhir and Radhika called me from the party to see if they could convince me to join them. I definitely regretted not going...I mean, when else could I have danced bhangra with a room of 60 Indians for 4 hours non-stop? 

One thing I learned from Jeff, who's been here since last week, is to keep my questions to a minimum. We fully trust the Nairs in their role as our hosts in Hyderabad. All we need to know is what time we have to be ready.  And then we go from there. We eat whatever is offered to us (which so far has been absolutely delicious, bursting with flavor), and we do whatever they plan for us to do.

With some gorgeous ladies in their gorgeous sarees

It's been such an amazing summer trip so far! One night I'd be having a Chinese dinner with my aunt and cousins at the heart of Orchard Road in Singapore, and fast forward to a few nights later, I was walking in a resort somewhere in the outskirts of Hyderabad wearing a sari with Radhika and her adorable son Arjun. The speed of travel access that we have to all these locations around the globe is mind-blasting!

This evening, the Nairs are taking us out for dinner and a movie. We'll be having dinner at the best place in town for Hyderabadi Biryani. The Bollywood movie we'll be watching is a new one titled "Delhi Belly", which apparently is a crude, crass movie with lots of curse words, and only lasts for 90 minutes (no intermission) compared to the standard Bollywood movie duration of 3 hours. 

I'm truly blessed with wonderful friends who have been the most amazing hosts to us firangis (foreigners) here in India:)  

I noticed how I've used all sorts of superlatives in this particular blog entry. What can I say? Experiences in India can only be described in superlatives!! (and lots of exclamation marks:)).